How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Make Elephant Toothpaste

I've never heard of Elephant Toothpaste before, but I guess it's a science experiment.

Best Scene in Fried Green Tomatoes

A friend of mine reminded me about this scene in Fried Green Tomatoes.

I think we have all weighed the costs versus benefits of doing something like this in our own grocery store parking lot.

A moment of bliss (which swiftly ended)

This morning, I nearly cried like a little kid who just got a pony or one of those motorized power wheels (I still wish my parents would have bought me one of those).

I was getting my stuff together for work, when my daughter quietly padded up to me and with head bowed, whispered, "Daddy? I go to store ... with you?"

I gently told her that I wasn't going to the store but that I was going to work, thinking that would be the end of it.

Her quick reply was, "Daddy? I go to work ... with you?"

(Tangent)
Hold on a minute ... I have something in my eye ...
(End Tangent)

So I replied, "Oh, I'd love to take you with me to work, but I can't."

Then I tried to change the subject by telling her we needed to go change her diaper.

That's when the moment of bliss hit the metaphorical brick wall.

After that, it was all screams and complaints to go see Mommy and escape from the guy who would dare clean her bottom.

This post will be for when she is older, and I can remind her that at one point, she actually wanted to spend time with me.

UGH

Before I say anything else, let me first say that I love my daughter.

However, I'm NOT a fan of her fascination with her nose.

She picks it all the time. I know it is normal for kids to dig for gold, but it's constant.

Yesterday, I got a frantic call from my wife telling me that I needed to get home immediately. She said our daughter had shoved something up her nose and we might have to take her to the doctor to get it out.

When I got there, I tried to grab it with some tweezers and was able to yank it out (saving me a doctor bill that would have added a few exclamation points to the title of this post).

It turns out it was just a small piece of something we got for her at the dollar store.

And this wasn't the first time. When she was younger, she managed to lodge a pea up there.

As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think this will be the last. Only a few hours after the latest fiasco, I looked over at her to see her trying to get a Cheerio up there.

As frustrated as I get, I have to remember that she probably just takes after me, her father, who managed to do this three different times.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Use "i.e." Versus "e.g."

I never knew when to use which one until now.

Thanks, WikiHow!

Drunk on Almond Extract

When I was little, my friend and I loved to make "potions." We would get a big pot and fill it with a little water. Then, we'd add random food items from the kitchen: chunks of bread, seasonings, chips, ketchup, salad dressing, etc.



Throughout the whole process we would stir it, pretending we were creating something totally mystical and amazing.

In truth, it always just ended up as cold, inedible soup.

One day, we decided to make a potion we would actually want to drink at the end. We added sugar and food coloring, and I'm betting we even added a Kool-Aid packet.

Then we struck gold.

We found all these random extracts: mint, almond, lemon, etc.

We didn't bother with the vanilla extract, but we loaded the potion up with everything else. And it wasn't just a drop or two. We poured everything in.

Once the magical properties had enough time to gain maximum potency, we got two glasses and took a big gulp.

Honestly, it wasn't that bad. My friend and I drank the rest of our glasses, daydreaming about the super powers we would develop.

Then, I noticed the back of the extract bottles. Each one had a 50 percent or more alcohol content.

(Tangent)
I'm from a family that doesn't drink alcohol, so this came as a huge shock.
(End Tangent)

Once my friend saw the bottles, we almost immediately started to feel a little tipsy. We started laughing and staggering around the kitchen, surprised at how much it was affecting us.

Looking back, I have to laugh because the amount we put in compared to the amount of water and other ingredients would never have been enough to cause our reaction.

Unless we really did make a magic potion after all ...

I guess I'm going to have to try to remember the recipe.

Why I'll never graduate from the bunny slopes ...

I grew up in a place where "snow" was what the TV did when it didn't have any reception.

Outside, we were lucky if it even rained.

However, for a few fateful years (between 11 years old and 14 years old), my parents and I lived in Utah. In an effort to help me forget that I didn't have any friends, my mom signed me up for skiing lessons.

(Tangent)
I moved into a neighborhood where everyone had divided into cliques when they were still in diapers.

As a result, it was a little hard to find a place.

...

And it probably didn't help that I hadn't grown up yet and still liked wearing capes and playing with Legos. (Don't judge.)
(End Tangent)



So ... skiing.

The adventure of trying to stay standing while also trying to keep my skis from crossing would probably be a good post all by itself.

Let me summarize by saying that the instructor probably wanted to put me in his "skiing toddlers" class.

When we finally got to the point where we wouldn't pose a significant danger to ourselves or others, it was time to conquer the ski lift.

While waiting in line, I started to lose my nerve as I saw those chairs whip around before smacking into people to carry them to the top of the mountain.

They looked awfully fast.

When it was my turn, I tried to do my best not to look like I was about to wet my pants and prepared to get a permanent dent in my calves from the chair.

However, I had nothing to worry about. I felt like a pro as I plopped down on the bench and felt ready to tackle the giant mountain ahead of me ...

... until my poles suddenly shot out of my hands.

No one told me I should take the straps off my wrists and hold the poles away from the ground. There was a little lip of snow right after we got on, and before I knew it, my poles were lying in the snow about 20 feet behind me.

Immediately I wondered how I would be able to get off the chair without them.

Fortunately, I managed to get off without dying, and a nice skier behind me brought up my poles from below.

That is why I'm sticking to the bunny slopes from now on.

Cheapety Cheapskate Cheaperson

My wife and I are cheap. We love scouring for a sale and have serious anxiety about spending money.

I guess the politically correct term is "frugal," but since I always have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth, we're going to call it like it is. Cheap.

(Tangent)
My wife once confessed that she loves coming home from the grocery store with a receipt full of 99 cent purchases.

I didn't tell her, but it makes me a little giddy too.
(End Tangent)

When we were about to get married, my wife and I had to buy a bed. Rather than go to a store or even one of those mattress warehouses like normal people, we found an ad for a guy selling beds at a super reduced rate. He was in school and as a side job, bought mattresses at wholesale and sold them out of a rented storage unit.

When we got there to select our new bed, we (of course) chose the cheapest option. Compared to all the plushy pillow top mattresses next to it, our new mattress looked like a couple pieces of cardboard sewn together.



We still feel good about our purchase because it lasted about 5 years, but we've reached the beginning of the end. I don't know if it's the box spring or the mattress, but if I have to shift my arm or even my pinky toe during the night, the creaking sounds like a logger is sawing down a Redwood in our bedroom.

The upside? Now it's harder to hear the trains that blast their horns a few blocks away at 3 a.m.

Gag Reflex

My daughter's nose finally stopped running on Sunday. It's been a leaky faucet since the holidays.

But, I guess we were only getting a temporary vacation from it. Yesterday, she started coughing and now we have a special encore of the runny nose.

While I'm completely disgusted watching my daughter continually eat her own mucus (insert MAJOR gag reflex here), I feel even worse for my wife who has to deal with it all day and is also quarantined in the house.



Tonight, I'm kicking her out of the house so she can have some much needed alone time.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Blow the Shell off a Hard Boiled Egg

At some point I have to try this.