Cult Chronicles

My sister's ex-mother-in-law joined a cult that protects the world from alien invasion.

One day, she was riding in the car with my sister, and she said, "Do you see those clouds?"

My sister looked out the window at the white, puffy clouds and said, "Yeah, they're beautiful!"

To which her ex-mother-in-law replied, "Well, those aren't really clouds. They're actually alien spacecraft, sent to observe us."



My sister was speechless.

So, now I have to ask. How would you have responded?

My Wife's Birthday

As you've probably noticed, I don't attach names of my family and friends to stories on this blog. It's not that I don't love and adore them. I'm just a little paranoid about this thing called the Internet and how easy it is for someone in Sri Lanka to find out all kinds of information about me.

I know it's probably more likely to get struck by lightning twice while eating Twinkies at a Kenny G concert than to have something bad happen because I leaked a name, but it still creeps me out a little.

Still, this story has to have my wife's name in it, or it won't make any sense. So here it goes ...

My wife's name is Krystal.

(Tangent)
She's always had a hard time getting people to spell it correctly because for some reason, everyone likes to spell it C-R-Y-S-T-A-L.
(End Tangent)

So, here's the story.

My wife recently had a birthday, and she LOVES Dairy Queen ice cream cakes. As a result, it has become a minor tradition to get one for her each year.

When I got to Dairy Queen, I picked a cake with a blank top so they could write, "Happy Birthday, Krystal!" on it. The Dairy Queen employee, who is not a native English speaker, had me write down exactly what I wanted the cake to say on a piece of paper. He then asked what color I wanted the message to be.

"Blue ... or purple ... or pink," I said.

He gave me a confused look, and said, "Krystal ... is a girl?"

I had to explain that she is a girl, but she likes blue.

He then took the cake back with him to work his magic. I stood there for about 10 minutes and started to wonder if he was actually eating my cake rather than writing on it.

When he returned, he was SO excited and was grinning from ear to ear. As he handed me the cake, he said, "I used all different colors. Is ok?"

As he passed me the cake, I almost didn't notice the bright blue, red and green lettering because this is what I saw:



In less than a second, the following thoughts raced through my head.

1. I don't think I ever mentioned red or green in the color scheme.
2. There is no way he's going to be able to stuff a "Y" in the spot where the "I" is if I ask him to fix it.
3. I really don't want him to disappear with this cake for another 10 minutes.
4. This will make a great funny story for later.

So, in response to his question, "Is ok?" I said with a smile, "Yeah, it looks great!"

When I got home, I told Krystal I'm relieved that I went to Dairy Queen that day. If I hadn't I would never have found out that all this time I'd been spelling her name wrong.

Cult Chronicles

I was just reminded about my sister's ex-mother-in-law, and thought she would make a great set of recurring posts.

If you step back and think about her story, it's actually really sad, but we had to cope, and finding the humor in it really helped.

The Background:

My sister's ex-mother-in-law was a very religious woman. She lived in Arizona and aside from her two adult kids, she had one still in high school. While visiting Utah, she picked up a book in a religious bookstore called "The Lost Teachings of Jesus." It turns out the book was planted by a cult based in Montana. She read it, liked it and began studying with the local chapter in Arizona.

Long story short, she got her last child to graduate high school early and sent her off to college so she could leave her husband and join this group up in Montana.

The Story:

This cult's job is to protect the world from alien invasion.

I guess we all need to send them a thank you card or something because it is definitely working.

I haven't been invaded yet. Have you?

So, how do they accomplish this?

They chant.

Along with some other pretty wacky behavior, I have a number of funny stories to tell.

Periodically, I'll post these stories as Cult Chronicles until I run out of material.

Coping Mechanism

My daughter is right in the middle of the terrible twos. I have a sinking feeling she will stay there until she's old enough to get her drivers license, but I'll keep my fingers crossed that I'm just being pessimistic.

Still, when her world is suddenly swirling down the toilet (which happens every 10 minutes), she has surprisingly found a good coping mechanism.

When she first starts to lose it, she crumples to the floor sobbing in complete defeat.

Then she cries, "Banket!?!"

Which means one of these:



After which she cries, "Fwend!?!"

Which means one of these:



With her blanket and stuffed animal in hand, she is now ready to quietly weep until she can gain some composure.

Then, just as suddenly as it started, it is gone. The sun comes back out, birds begin to sing and all is right in the world once again ...

... at least for the next 10 minutes.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Make an Object Float in Claymation

Just be sure to give me a little credit when you're a huge claymation film producer.

Nathan = Prince Eric

My wife called me at work yesterday to tell me a funny story about our daughter.

They were reading one of her books (The Little Mermaid), and one of the pictures showed the statue Ariel has of Prince Eric when his ship sinks at the beginning.



Immediately, my daughter pointed at the statue and yelled, "Daddy!"

At first, my wife tried to correct her, but that rarely works out thanks to her prevalent stubborn streak.

So, there you have it.

I may even get my name legally changed to Prince Eric. It's definitely much better than Jack the Pumpkin King.

Someone get me a cane

On Sunday, I tried lifting a stackable chair and threw my back out. Not only am I a wimp, but I'm now sporting an 80-year-old shuffle.

Pretty soon I'll be complaining about teenagers these days and their obnoxious habits ... oh wait, I already do.

Pretty soon I'll be wishing I could eat dinner at 4 p.m. and be asleep by 7 p.m. ... oh wait, I already do that too.

Pretty soon I'll be telling the same story in 5-minute intervals and will continually forget how old I am or where I put my keys ... oh wait, is that strike three?

Anyone for a game of shuffleboard?



Afterward, we can head to the cafeteria for some Jello.

Why does everyone else have the good ideas?

I saw this on word to your mother.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Fuse Plastic Bags Into a Laptop Case

Have at it, if you really want to try this.

P.S. Happy Independence Day!!!

The Eternal Debate

Pop or Soda?

(Definitely Soda)



Found at: http://popvssoda.com:2998/countystats/total-county.html