Friday, October 24, 2008

Jack the Pumpkin King

My entire freshman year, a couple of guys on my floor called me Jack. Since my name is Nathan, I was a little confused and started to wonder how they got into college in the first place. Whenever I asked why, they wouldn't tell me, until finally one of them broke down and said it was because I reminded them of Jack the Pumpkin King from Nightmare Before Christmas.

That's probably not all that funny to anyone who doesn't know me, but all you have to know is that Jack is basically a stick figure with a big white head.

Yup. That's me. I guess I don't ever need another Halloween costume.

My point in all of this is that I was blessed/cursed (depending on whether you are a woman/man) with an insanely fast metabolism. Girls are always trying to be twigs, so they typically wish they had it, and guys pity me because they all want to live in the gym and subsist on protein shakes and egg yolks.

The one time I set foot in a gym (this was also freshman year), I saw a guy working out with a 100 pound weight chained to his waist ... that's right, a chain. His arms were bigger than my waist and yet he was still obsessed with making them bigger.
(End Tangent)

All my life I've been teased about my weight. I can't remember most of the jokes, but here are a couple of my favorites:
  1. When I was little, my brothers would always ask, "Hey Nathan, what are those white strings hanging out of your shorts?" It took me a minute to realize they were talking about my legs.
  2. When I was in high school, one of my brothers told me I would be the perfect biology display skeleton.
  3. One time, one of my brothers (are you sensing a theme?) said it must be easy for the doctor. When I asked him what he meant, he said, "Well, the doctor probably doesn't need to spend any money on x-rays. He can just hold you up to a light and see right through you."
  4. Another popular one during basketball games or ultimate frisbee came from my teammates. Inevitably, I'd get the warning, "Nathan, whatever you do, don't turn sideways. If you do, you're so thin we wouldn't be able to see you."

Now, for a contest, even though I don't have any cool prizes. I have never met anyone skinnier than I am. I've met people who weigh less, but they are significantly shorter than I am, and when I divide their weight by their height, my ratio still comes out skinnier. I'm going to divulge my weight and height to anyone silly enough to read this blog. If you know an adult who beats me (without some tapeworm growing inside him or some other horrible circumstance), I'd love to know and end my reign as the skinniest man alive. Bear in mind, I'm healthy. All the doctors say I shouldn't be concerned ...

So, here are the stats:

Height: 6'3"

Weight: 120 (on a good day with all my clothes and shoes on)


Talullah said...

Well Stringbean, I don't know anyone skinnier than that but I do have another joke for you:

Hey Nathan! Are you wearing shorts or are you riding a chicken???

sorry buddy...couldn't resist.

Nathan said...

I guess I'm still the champ then. Oh, and I can't even count the number of times I was called chicken legs. Maybe I should do a post sometime on the best skinny jokes ...

Shorty said...

Well, eating too much and going up a pants size may never be a problem for you! I love having a speedy metabolism. Can't say that mine is that speedy, but it helps keep me trim.

I enjoy your blog! Please visit my site to see your Bookworm Award!

No Cool Story said...

I don't know anyone that thin. So far you are still the winner.

And just so you know, Jack is pretty cool ;)

Rachel said...

Nathan, will you please put that picture of you in the couch on your mission on your blog? It was the funniest thing I've ever seen--and certainly only "the skinniest man alive" could pull it off!

p.s. I know I say this every time I comment on your blog, but it fills me with joy to read your blog and be back in constant communication with you

p.p.s. love freshman year gym experiences!