How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Treat a Bullet Wound

(I was NOT going to do an image search on this one.)

Office Outtakes

For those of you who missed the predecessor to Office Outtakes (Cult Chronicles) go here, here, here, here, here and here.

These stories are about a specific coworker I used to have. She was a sweet girl, but she ... (how do I put this?) ... didn't have a verbal filter. For other Office Outtakes, go here, here, here, here and here.

There are a bunch of smaller faux-pas that I figured I would combine into one list. All of these are courtesy of one of my coworkers (we'll call her Amellyah).

What not to do in an office environment:

1. Don't ask if a gay guy has a girlfriend just so you can get him to tell you he's gay.
2. Don't talk about the dog diapers you have to make out of Depends so he/she doesn't have to try to hold it until you get home.
3. Don't stream TV shows when you're supposed to be working, especially when it brings the network to a crawl.
4. After watching TV shows all day, don't complain about how busy you are.
5. Your endometriosis is not a topic for general small talk.
6. Your constipation is also not a topic for general small talk.
7. Personal visions of your future husband should be exactly that ... personal.
8. Don't tell the only Catholic in the office that you found out her religious affiliation and that you won't be offended if she asks about yours.
9. If you have to stretch (at your desk or anywhere else in the office), don't become your own narrator by saying "Stretch!" every time.
10. Don't assume a female coworker is your age when she has a birthday. She could easily be 10 years younger and a little disheartened when you ask if she's 35.
11. Even if you know every famous person in Hollywood, don't one-up every story with some obscure reference about how you met a celebrity at a party or saw them in the McDonald's drive thru.
12. If you have to clean your sinuses in the bathroom it might be best to try toning down the noise (unless you don't want anyone to eat their lunches). (I’ve had to do this, and I know for a fact it’s possible to do it without sounding like you have a loogie fit for the Guinness Book of World Records.)
13. Don't expect the office to foot the bill for your tampons.

Swine Flu Mania

I saw this post from politicchic6 and had to add my enthusiastic "Amen!"

This is a list of the number of deaths in the last 300 days and their causes.

I don't know where she got this image, and I don't even know if it is accurate, but it makes a good point. Notice that Leprosy is the only communicable disease below the Swine Flu.



And in case you're wondering, the swine flu has been around before.

The creepiest part of the two commercials below?

"But Betty had a heart condition and she died."



I'm not saying we don't need to be careful, but I get the feeling some people are magnifying the risks just a little bit.

My New Favorite TV Show

When I first flipped over to Modern Family, I wasn't anticipating much and was pleasantly surprised.

Mainly, I was thrilled to see that they end most episodes with a moral for making families better.

A coworker of mine also made a good point. With the TV industry trying to be cutting edge, it is refreshing that in a show called Modern Family there is still a family where a husband and wife haven't been divorced and have a few kids together. That used to be the norm and some people may forget it still exists.

Here's the preview:



I also loved watching this guy become a Costco convert:

How to Get People to Like You

You know the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People?

My daughter can't even read yet, but I get the feeling she's already a pro at this.

Exhibit A:



She saw this picture and immediately yelled, "Grandma!"

Exhibit B:

She was listening to a Halloween song the other day, and a pumpkin with a REALLY low voice came on to sing a verse, and pointing at the radio, she said, "Daddy!"

Since telemarketers regularly mistake me for a woman, she probably had no idea how much she scored by that comment.

I immediately turned to her and said, "With that one comment, you have just endeared me to you forever."

Boston Bust

I was supposed to go to the east coast this weekend for my friend's wedding.



Well ... I didn't.

After spending 4 hours in the airport (in the middle of the night), they canceled my flight. They tried to book me on a different one, but the soonest I would get there would have been 10 and a half hours after the wedding started.

So, I missed it, and I'm still depressed about it.

While I was in line to get reimbursed for my trouble, the guy behind me commented on what a joke the whole situation was. I agreed and told him I was missing my friend's wedding. Then, I looked at the TV, which was broadcasting CNN International, and saw a story about the freak storms hitting the Philippines. The anchor talked about all the homes that have blown away and all the damage the storms have done.

I turned back to the guy, pointed at the screen and said, "But, at least my home hasn't blown away. I guess that's something to be grateful for."

It helped me put things in perspective.

I'm still depressed, though.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Make Gummy Bears



Happy Halloween!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

My best friend from childhood is getting married on Halloween. That may sound weird, except their first date was on Halloween and they got engaged on Halloween, so Oct. 31 has sentimental value.

I think it's a great idea.

Right now, she lives on the east coast, so I'm flying across the country to be there for the big day.

I will seriously miss spending Halloween with my family, but there is no way I was going to subject all the other passengers to 6+ hours of my daughter on a plane.

So, for anyone traveling on my flight, you're welcome in advance.

Halloween Traditions

I've always enjoyed Halloween, but it has never been one of the bigger holidays in my family. We did all the costumes and the candy, but there weren't any traditions ... until I got married.

Now, Halloween is one of the better holidays of the year (thanks to my wife). She has huge positive associations with Halloween from her childhood and has carried them over into our family.

There are a number of traditions, but here are a few of my favorites:

• Have a small party with family or friends
• Watch Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein
• Decorate haunted gingerbread houses (although, technically they're graham cracker houses)

I love the last one most. My wife grew up decorating houses for Halloween instead of Christmas. I thought his was a unique twist on a regular tradition and made it more fun.

Here's one of the ones we did this year:

The Birthday Cake Debacle

I wish all of you could meet my sister. She's the embodiment of a tornado, a Mariachi band and a 200 pound bag of glitter. I defy you to not have fun when she's around.

All year, she's been telling people she's turning 47, and it wasn't until shortly before her birthday, that she realized she was only 45 going on 46. She and her husband had a good laugh about it and figured she could just start telling people she was turning 45 and then next year catch back up to 47.

So, the big day came, and her husband baked a cake. After dinner, her family all crowded around to sing happy birthday, and her husband presented his masterpiece. He'd taken the time to put the candles in the shape of her age ... and that's when my sister noticed the cake said 47. She started laughing and reminded her husband that she was only turning 46 this year.

Embarrassed, he took the cake back to the counter to change the offending number.

When the cake came back, this is what my sister saw:

67

Her husband changed the 4 instead of the 7.

Now my sister keeps joking about how good she looks for a 67-year-old woman.