Friday, September 25, 2015

Poop was never this funny

A colleague just showed this to me. I laughed so hard, the tissue I used to dab my eyes quickly became a "moist towelette."

Read this now. And, you're welcome.

The Day I Pooped My Closet

Monday, July 27, 2015

Extroversion is AWESOME ... except when it isn't

I've often said I'm a raging extrovert.

Most of the time I love it because I can't think of anything better than sitting in a room and talking. Non. Stop.

However, it has recently come to my attention that extroversion can be ... awkward. I didn't know because I was too busy thinking of the next thing to say to notice.

A couple YouTube videos were eye opening for me (the first one has a swear, so beware):

(Now I have to go call someone so I can talk about this some more.)

Friday, May 29, 2015

Gullible with a Capital G

At this point, it is well documented I am gullible. Those trying to be nice might say "trusting," but we all know what that actually means.

Let's just call a spade a spade.

When I was in elementary school, a rumor went around my grade that kissing your mom on the cheek would make your hands shake when you hold them out flat in front of you.

Obviously, I assumed it was true and worried about the damage I had already done to my already shaking hands.

I still remember the moral dilemma that occupied my mind for most of the day.

"I don't want my hands to get any shakier ... BUT ... I don't want my mom to think I don't love her anymore."

Obviously, this would have been solved easily if I had just talked to my mom, but since when have I done anything the easy way?
{End Tangent}

In the end, I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life: continue kissing my mom goodbye on the cheek and deal with the inevitably increasing hand shaking.

As the years went by without any noticeable change to my hands, I slowly realized I might have been duped.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Chevrons Everywhere

I keep seeing chevron patterns everywhere I go. As someone who could not know less about what is currently "in," I'm making a wild assumption that this pattern is somehow trendy right now.

All I can say is, I'm betting Charlie Brown is ecstatic his shirt is finally relevant again.

Friday, April 24, 2015

No Karaoke for You ... (revisited)

First, I'm not dead (just absent for a couple years). I thought I should just put that out there.

Second, I don't know if this will be a blog reawakening or not.

Third, I finally found the tape of me singing my guts out to my favorite song when I was too young to know it would come back to haunt me.

If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, go here.

I'll wait.

I should probably exercise more restraint, but in the interest of full disclosure (and because I just can't help myself), here is my masterpiece (read: horrible trainwreck that should probably never see the light of day ... oops).


Thursday, August 15, 2013

Mars vs. Venus

Have you noticed that men have a compelling need to fix things?

Have you noticed that women have a compelling need to discuss concerns without coming to a conclusion?

These simple needs often place the two genders in direct opposition to each other. As a self-proclaimed fixer, I have to remind myself not to jump in and try to fix my wife's problems immediately ... and I have about a 2% success rate in doing this. Fortunately, she is also extremely forgiving.

My sister just showed me a video which validates men everywhere who deal with this.

Please note I did not say men are right. I simply said their feelings are validated. I want to be clear because the first would be a death wish, and the second is a completely necessary and understood emotion. (Hopefully I just safely navigated through that minefield. If I didn't, please leave me with my ignorance.)
{End Tangent}

The guy's complete confusion and eventual acquiescence is priceless.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


I have a nephew, whom we will call Percy. Percy has a beautiful soul. He is a big, tall, lovable guy. He is also innocent, optimistic and completely uninhibited. He is someone that should be admired for his qualities. He also has some disabilities that cannot be diagnosed.

A few weeks ago, he went to EFY (Especially For Youth). It's this thing Mormon youth do sometimes that involves a lot of great lectures and a whole lot of fodder for teenage embarrassment. I've never gone, but I hear it's a blast.

This was the conversation that Percy had with his aunt after he got back from EFY:

Percy: Do you know what a cow is?

Aunt: Umm ...

Percy: A cow is a Crush of the Week.

Aunt: Oh, ok ...

Percy: I had 12 cows last week at EFY.

Aunt: Wow, Percy, that is great.

Percy: Yeah, I even gave a love note to one of them at the dance. We'll see where that goes.

Aunt: Well, she's a lucky girl then.

Percy: Eleven of them were girls and one of them is a guy.

Aunt: Oh! Ok.

Percy: He's the guy I see every morning when I look in the mirror!

Aunt: Ooooohhh, I see.

Percy: Because if you want to be confident, you have to love yourself.

Wiser words have never been spoken by a teenager. This story may or may not have propelled Percy into idol status for me.

Friday, July 12, 2013

My Best and Easiest Office Prank

A while ago, I had a co-worker who was also a good friend. He was always so fastidious about locking his computer when he was away from his desk because he didn't want anyone messing with it.

I must admit, I would have been MUCH more offended about this if I wasn't so busy trying to figure out ways to get onto his computer to mess with it.

One week, he was gone on vacation, and I thought, "Now's my chance!"

However, no matter what I tried, I couldn't figure out a way to access his computer to do anything crazy. The best I could do was change all the settings on his monitor so everything looked purple.

Then ... success. Rather than tell you how I did it, I will first tell you the results.

When he came back to work, he had to print several resumes for job applicants. He printed the first one, and found that it had a large "Sample" watermark in the background.

At first, he thought it was some new, creative way people are using to make their resumes stand out (i.e. this is a "sample of myself). Then the next one printed with the same watermark.

No matter what he printed, each page came out with a "Sample" watermark firmly in place.

He spent about 20 minutes digging through his computer settings, trying to figure out how I had done this to his printer. Finally he gave up and called me into his office.

I came into his office giggling like a little kid. I immediately opened his printer tray and removed all the papers I had previously placed there with the watermark already printed.

Isn't that brilliant? I didn't have to touch his settings, and I still stumped him. If he had printed enough documents, the final page had a watermark of a rubber chicken.

I'm completely juvenile, but I can't help it. Now I'm just waiting for memories to fade in my office so I can do it again ...

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Utah Names

I saw this during my hiatus.


Holy crap.

I'm amazed how many people are dooming their children to have to spell their names to every person they meet.

These names are klassy with a "K."

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Wild Cow Milking

Did you know this is a thing?

My wife took my daughter and me to the rodeo last week. My daughter and I were (until that evening) rodeo virgins.

Living in Utah has given me a chance to discover what I affectionately call the "hunter/gatherer" lifestyle. I still don't feel like I "get it," but this is the mentality of a guy who counts down the days until elk season and spends countless weekends making bullets and shooting clay pigeons.

As a non-hunter/gatherer, I'm personally grateful that I can buy meat in nice little shrink-wrapped packages. Had I been born any earlier in the course of human history, natural selection would have weeded me out rather swiftly.
{End Tangent}

Before I get into the glory that is "wild cow milking," let me first say that "mutton busting" is simultaneously incredibly adorable and slightly creepy.

For those lacking the broad knowledge of rodeo counterculture that I now possess, mutton busting (i.e. mutton bustin') is where little kids pretend to be bull riders and hang onto a sheep for dear life as it runs around the arena. It may or may not have been the cutest thing I've ever seen, particularly when some of them came decked out in a full set of leather chaps.

Now, wild cow milking.

The announcer said it is where a team of three men try to milk a wild cow. I assumed it would be like all the other events, and the teams would go one-at-a-time. Suddenly, 10 cows came flying out of the shoot, and ... the best way I can describe it is that ... chaos ensued. Men and cows were everywhere, and more than one guy got dragged unceremoniously through the dirt. I'm still amazed someone didn't get kicked in the head.

My wife had as much fun watching the spectacle as she did watching the incredulous look on my face. I was speechless except for the phrase, "What the crap is going on?"

Oh, and before I forget, my daughter is now begging to participate in the mutton bustin' next year. Maybe the hunter/gatherer instincts skip a couple dozen generations.