How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Make Stick Deodorant

Seriously? I'll just buy mine at the store ... thanks anyway.

I suppose if I get desperate, though, I can always whip up a batch.

For some reason, this gives me the heebie jeebies ...

... Thank you?

In marriage, I lucked out. My wife is the coolest, and I hope she knows it.

However, I have one story that is probably a little embarrassing for her, but I love to tell it anyway.

We were on our honeymoon. I was still giddy from our recent wedding and we were sitting in our hotel room watching a movie.

Suddenly, my wife turned to me and said, "I feel safe around you."

... Thank you?

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she feels that way, but I was a little confused about where the thought came from.

Then she explained, "Well, usually when I walk into a room, I automatically look for potential weapons I can use just in case I get attacked or something. But I've noticed I haven't done that with you, which means I feel safe around you."

Let's just say that was kind of a big revelation to happen right after I sealed the deal and put a ring on her finger.

I couldn't help but giggle a little at the thought of her scanning her surroundings for anything with a sharp edge or the ability to cause blunt force trauma.

However, looking back I'm really happy she does this. Too many people get into trouble because they aren't aware of the things going on around them. My wife is always ready, just in case, and that means I don't have to worry about her.

She even makes sure she has pepper spray in her pocket when a repair person comes to the house. Yeah, it may sound a little intense for such a low risk, but I would MUCH rather have her be safe than sorry.



So, thank you, Wife, for being so prepared. You're just doing your part to keep me from getting an ulcer.

I wish I had a cool reason ...

Wouldn't it be awesome if I had a cool reason for ditching the blogosphere for nearly two weeks?

Here's what I COULD tell you:

1. I got a free trip to Hawaii.
2. I rescued a bus full of nuns and elementary school kids.
3. I went to Africa on a Peace Corps mission.
4. I cured cancer.

Instead, here's the truth:

1. I was lazy.
2. Work was busy.
3. Stupid life chores like mowing the lawn and fixing the toilet got in the way.

However, I'm back (I hope), so the 2.5 people who manage to click over to this thing I call a blog will once again have some inane stories to read.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Make Nose Plugs to Stop a Runny Nose

Do people actually do this? I don't even want to think about changing out the "tissue balls."

My favorite, however is the WARNING:

This is measure to address a symptom and isn't treatment.

Olives

It's hard to believe people actually like olives. I think they taste like fermented manure. However, my wife really likes them, and since I know SHE isn't crazy, I have to re-evaluate my feelings about everyone else who can stomach them.

One of those people is my daughter. She loves them so much that she doesn't know when to stop shoving them in her mouth. She just keeps going until she gags and has to spit half of them out.

Is she the only one? I don't think I've ever seen a kid love olives at such an early age.

Hostess with the Mostess

A long time ago, there was a dinner in my dad's honor for some kind of service he rendered. All the people at the dinner were insanely wealthy and probably had someone on payroll to peel their grapes.

My parents live comfortably, but we don't fit into this lifestyle. I'm kind of grateful for that because these people tend to lose touch with reality.

Anyway, I guess in rich people circles, if a man has a dinner in his honor, everyone attending takes their cues from his wife. If one of the courses comes out, they all pick up their forks after she does. She is the one to start everything off, and everyone follows her lead.

This meal had a bunch of courses, and my mom, a fruit picker's daughter from Oklahoma, felt a little out of her league. Everything was going smoothly until the server placed a bowl of clear liquid in front of her. She panicked because there were no more spoons left at her place setting. She couldn't figure out what to do, and she knew everyone was waiting for her to make the first move. So, she did the first thing she could think of, she picked up the bowl in her hands and took a sip.



... It was water. She had just taken a sip from the finger bowl meant to be used to wash her hands. The whole room was polite, though, and every single person picked up their own finger bowl and took a sip.

She was mortified when she found out what she was actually supposed to do with it.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Make Your Butt Bigger

Well ... I don't have much to say about this one. Now there's nothing stopping you from becoming bootylicious.

This made my week

Do any of you follow Laughing at Life's Little Wedgies? If not, you should. If so, we should all start a fan club.

She just picked me for an award, and I couldn't be happier. Even if it has a flower and a tea cup on it.

I don't even care, and I'll display it proudly on my sidebar. ------->

Now, I'm supposed to nominate 15 people ... Do I even know that many people? Can I just nominate one person 15 times?

"What's a number 6?"

That's the question I asked my mom when I was 6 years old.

Confused?

Here's the full conversation:

Me: Mom? What's a number 6?
Mom: I don't know.
Me: Well ... you know, when you go to the bathroom number 1.
Mom: (Explained the finer points of the bathroom numbering system)
Me: Then, what is a number 6?
Mom: There isn't one.
Me: I think I just did one. I counted.

My mouth was like Russian Roulette. My mom never knew what would come out of it next.

Nathan. Cooking. Oxymoron.

I'm not a cook, but I wanted to give my wife a break on Mother's Day, so I braved the kitchen and tried to make something that wouldn't immediately gag her. I also thought I would use another Shirley J product, since I have a million of them now.

For inspiration, I went over to Project Domestication and found this recipe for honey mustard chicken.

(Sorry to bombard you with links. I can't help myself sometimes.)

Anyway, it turned out surprisingly well. I've always said that the only things I can make are brownies and cookies, but now I guess I can add honey mustard chicken to the list.

Here's a picture, just in case you're curious (I had to mix corn in with the peas because I ran out of peas):

My Swearing Brother

I have a few brothers. One of them LOVES to get other people to swear unintentionally. He also loves telling jokes that permit him to use words that are slightly off color. It's kind of funny to watch him get so much glee out of it, and I was recently reminded of something he used to do with my niece. When she was just learning to say words, some of them didn't come out right at first. For example, instead of saying "sheet," she would say "sh*t."

So, my brother told her he wanted to play a little game. He would say a word, and then she would follow that word by saying "sheet." Of course, she loved games, and she eagerly participated.

Here's how the game went:

Brother: Bull?
Niece: Sheet!

Brother: Horse?
Niece: Sheet!

Brother: Chicken?
Niece: Sheet!

(He found some pretty creative ways to use that word.)

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Make a Vase out of a Plastic Bottle

Ladies and gentlemen ... This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. By clicking on this link, you will come face to face with someone who has way too much time on their hands.

I didn't know they actually existed.

Fall TV Shows

I don't think I've ever looked forward to a show this much in my life. Is it September yet?

Video of Community with Joel McHale

Rich People

My brother and my dad work with rich people. They aren't rich ... they just work for them.

One night, my brother and sister-in-law were invited over for dinner by one of his clients. My dear, sweet sister-in-law wanted to show her appreciation and decided to get them a gift. She looked everywhere and couldn't figure out what to get someone who arguably had everything already. She finally settled on a potted orchid.

When they pulled up to the entry gate, they noticed a HUGE gravel driveway lined with trees leading up to an elegant house.



As the gate opened and the made their way toward the house, my brother looked in the rear-view mirror and noticed workers appear from between the trees with rakes. After their car drove by, they came out to rake the gravel smooth again.

(Tangent)
What would it be like to have enough expendable income to be able to hire gravel rakers?

I can't even imagine.
(End Tangent)

When they got to the front door, potted plant in my sister-in-law's hands, she was already starting to feel a little out of place.

The door opened, and they were greeted by my brother's client and his wife. My sister-in-law was just beginning to tell the wife how much she appreciated the invitation and wanted to give her something to say thank you when she turned her head and noticed the table in the center of the entry hall. On it stood an enormous vase filled with at least a hundred orchids identical to the one in her little pot.

Fun Roommate Randy

Here's another Matt Koval video.

Follow Up - Shirley J

So, my wife just made the Shirley J pizza sauce last night, and I REALLY liked it. Typically we've just used spaghetti sauce when we've made pizza, and it's worked just fine.

It's cool that with just a little powdery mixture, you can take tomato sauce and turn it into something with a whole lot more flavor.

I have a feeling we'll be buying this one in the future.

Encore: Another good song

I saw this on I *Heart* You.

Fibromyalgia

My mom has fibromyalgia. It turns out she's had it most of her life and not known about it.

I still remember a very serious conversation the two of us had when I was in high school. She mentioned that cruise control is one of the most important things I should look for when buying a car. "Otherwise," she said, "you're going to have a real hard time driving for long distances when your leg starts to hurt really bad."

For the longest time, I worried about ever having to get behind the wheel and drive across a few states without cruise control. Only later, did I realize it was because she always hurts and didn't know why.

A couple good songs ... (and my 200th post)

Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson


The Call by Regina Spektor


P.S. This is my 200th post. Yea me!

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law

I am so glad I will never have to read this one. My mother-in-law is amazing (my father-in-law is too), and I feel like I really lucked out.

Gray Hair

Have I ever mentioned that I'm getting gray hair? Not just one or two. They're breeding like rabbits on my head.

I suppose I should be self conscious about it, since I'm still in my 20s. I should probably get a bunch of dye and start the laborious process of covering them up, but I'm just too lazy.

The other day, I had the following conversation with a professional colleague.

Guy: You look really young.
Me: *What I wanted to say* Thank you? *What I actually said* Yeah, I get that a lot.
Guy: But it looks like you're getting a bunch of gray hair. Not enough to make you look older, though.