How To Article of the Week

In case your day job falls through: How to Become a Bounty Hunter

Then, you can be like this guy.

I'm addicted ...

I'm addicted to my daughter's laugh. I come home everyday, and the first thing I want to do is go over and tickle her or chase her around the room to make her giggle.



She hasn't quite realized that when I chase her, she should run away from me. Usually, as soon as she realizes I'm following her, she turns around with her signature crinkly-nosed grin and runs full tilt right at me. I guess I should be glad she's not shy.

I don't mean this to be one of those sickeningly sweet posts about happiness, rainbows and daffodils, but I can't help it. I'm addicted. And if I'm addicted to anything, I guess it's good it is only my daughter's laugh.

Church Music

Disclaimer: I'm LDS (or Mormon), and this post might be confusing to those unfamiliar with this church. I had to post it anyway because the memory of this experience still makes me laugh. For those unfamiliar with Mormons, I've tried to explain the confusing parts in parentheses.

Now that I've written this all out, I get the feeling it was funnier in my head.

As you know, we're a conservative group. We are pretty calm when it comes to our meetings, and many people may feel it makes them boring. In my mind, it just makes it easier to listen for the Holy Ghost and the promptings I feel as a result.

When I was in high school, we had a Ward Conference (each congregation is called a ward, and in this case, there were three wards meeting together). The woman asked to play the organ for hymns as well as the choir numbers was a lounge pianist by profession.

This meant she would tend to ad lib a little, and inevitably you'd start to unconsciously tap your foot to the beat of the song. I happened to be sitting on the stand for the meeting, so I could see the congregation as they filtered in.

All of the sudden, from the side door right in front of me, this woman came in. She was pretty young, but she seemed to be limping pretty bad. I couldn't really see her except for her head and shoulders due to the wooden partition in front of me. As she turned to come up the stairs, I noticed she was lugging a huge guitar case. (Typically, we keep excess instruments to a minimum and usually only have the more easily reverent instruments like the violin or flute, simply so people can more easily focus on the words and the meaning of the hymns we sing.)

I was a little surprised to see her coming in with this, but got distracted as a guy about her age came in through the door behind her. He was also limping, and when he rounded the corner, I noticed he was carrying an amp.

By the time we started the meeting, I forgot all about the two who set up shop behind me. When the choir starting singing, all of the sudden, I was nearly knocked out of my chair when the guitar came in with the amp right behind my head. It turns out she was actually carrying a bass guitar.

It was a great song, and I'm just sad I can't remember what they sang that day.

Read. Now.

Stop whatever you are doing and read this.

I nearly died laughing, and I know for sure this is a real story.

Addictive Personalities

Some people have addictive personalities. I'm sure I'm one of them. Just watch how quickly I devour a plate of cookies or how many times I listen to my new favorite song on auto-repeat.

Unfortunately, I think my daughter got this from me. She is only 1 1/2 years old, and she's already addicted to TV. We don't even have it on that often, and yet she's obsessed.

Every time she passes a TV, she wants it on. She is particularly infatuated with Princess and the Pauper (one of the Barbie movies). She wants to watch it nonstop.



As a result, I have memorized all of the songs, whether I want to or not.

(Tangent)
When we first got the movie, we bought it because it was on sale. I figured it would be a cheap attempt to market yet another set of Barbie dolls. I anticipated a weak plot, shoddy acting and bad music. I must say, I was pleasantly surprised. It's not a bad movie (bearing in mind the intended audience). However, any redeeming value tends to evaporate after the 467th viewing.
(End Tangent)

So, if anyone wants to sing along to one of the many songs in the movie, just give me a call. I'm sure I can refresh your memory on the words.

"To be a princess is to know which spoon to use."
"To be a princess is a thousand pairs of shoes."

End scene.

Football and Brain Damage

I have a friend. He is a great friend. He's one of those nice guys that would do anything for anyone. However, in high school, he played football, and I think he may have had one too many hits in the head. To be fair, I think he has recovered since then. But, there is a conversation we had back then that I will never forget.

Football Junkie: I think my vision is getting worse.
Me: Really? Why do you say that?
FJ: Well ... every once in a while when I tackle someone, I feel this pop in the back of my head and my vision gets blurry for a while. It comes back, but I think it gets a little worse each time.
Me: Um ... then you really need to stop playing football.
FJ: But football is so cool!

Yeah, that's right. According to this conversation, he would rather go blind than stop playing football.

Update: My friend doesn't play football, and he still has his vision, something I'm sure his wife is grateful for.

Jesus the Caveman

Yesterday, my wife and I took our daughter to a dinosaur museum. We had free tickets, so even though she is not quite old enough to fully enjoy it, we made it a family outing anyway.

In one room, we found the skeleton of a huge wooly mammoth surrounded by a bunch of human skeletons. They were all positioned so the human skeletons looked like they were attacking the mammoth with spears and rocks. I was holding my daughter and pointing at it when I heard her say, "Jesus."

(Tangent)
We have pictures of Jesus throughout our house, and she loves pointing at him and naming him. However, at this point any bearded man is "Jesus" to her.
(End Tangent)

I stared at the skeletons, baffled that she would get a Jesus vibe from their boney structures. It was only when I turned to look at her that I realized she wasn't even looking at the skeletons. She was looking on the other wall where there was a mural depicting a prehistoric village.

Sure enough. Amongst all the other people, there was Jesus. Jesus the caveman.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Give Good Directions

I think we could all use a lesson in this. Whether or not this particular article will help is another story.

Reno 911 - Best Scene Ever

I keep watching this over and over. I love it when she starts throwing in choreography.

Inversion Layer

Currently, Provo, Utah has the worst air quality in the nation. That's all thanks to the inversion layer. I thought Californians were the only ones to have a fancy name for smog.

(Tangent)
Growing up, it always made me laugh to hear people say it was "hazy." But doesn't haze sound so much better than smog? If only a name change had the power to make it not as gross to breathe.
(End Tangent)

Since the only way to get rid of all this junk is a nice storm, I'm surprising myself by how anxious I am to have one blow through. Yes, I know that will mean more shoveling, but I'll take it if I can get this headache and sore throat to go away.

Snowmobiling

So, I'm back in one piece from snowmobiling. All I can say is ... WOW.

I had been told it was important to lean into the turns and use body weight to help when going around curves. Needless to say, I was nervous about how to get my puny frame to make much of a difference.

Still it worked out just great, and I ended up hitting 60 mph a few times. What a rush!

Oh ... and I even managed to make it home with all my limbs intact. I also managed to avoid any trees or other accidents that would have made a good story.

Now the only things I have to show for it are a bunch of sore muscles all over my body and some great memories.

Reference Number: 4789-T5X54W8AE5

I thought this was pretty funny. My favorite is the last prank.

Enjoy!

Client Visit

One of my clients is in town today. As a result, I'm running around like crazy trying to make sure everything is ready.

The highlight of the day will be when we go snowmobiling later today.

My only hope is that I don't run into a tree, which is entirely possible because I've never gone snowmobiling before.

If I end up hurting something, I'll definitely take a picture of my cast.

Church Adventures

We had church today, and it was one of those special Sundays with a visiting church leader.

He asked that everyone come with a 12 minute talk prepared and they would call a few people up spontaneously.

The good news is ... I dodged a bullet and so did my wife.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Start a Clothing Line

This is for all you fashionistas out there who have been dying to know how to do this.

You're welcome.

Rock and Roll Fail

Note to self. Maybe I shouldn't see how high the volume goes on my car stereo ...

Am I that old already?

So, when I started this blog, I thought it would be a good way to force myself to write down some of my experiences and thoughts, mainly for my growing little girl. I didn't know how I would like it, or whether or not it would fizzle as fast as one of my New Year's resolutions.

Well, today is my 100th post. I never thought I'd have a following, but it's been oddly satisfying to throw up a few thoughts here and there about stuff. Truthfully, I like reading blogs more than I like posting, but this has been a nice outlet for me.

I'm not saying I'm addicted or that I will continue with this forever, but for now, I'm enjoying myself, and hopefully my daughter won't read this someday and think, "Oh, dad. You're such a nerd."

In commemoration of this post, here is a random picture of some girl twirling (is that even the right word for this?) 100 hula hoops. In the interest of full disclosure, I didn't actually count them. I have better things to do, like eating ice cream or watching paint dry.

This could get me in trouble.

Did you see this commercial on TV? I never did, but I thought it was genius. I love the desperation on all their faces.

And ... don't judge me too harshly for posting this.

Perception vs. Reality

This looks beautiful:



This looks festive:



This looks fun:



BUT

This is reality:

Adventure in the Airport

Christmas was busy. I get a nice break from work, so my wife and I try to see both sides of the family during my time off. This time, we drove to her parents and spent Christmas with them, then flew out to mine to spend New Year's with them, then flew back and drove home.



After making the return flight, we were thrilled to get out of the plane and couldn't wait to get our luggage and leave. My daughter was being particularly rambunctious, and the only thing that would keep her from fussing for an extended period of time was lifting her up close to the little air nozzle above our seat on the plane. She loves all things windy (heating vents, the exhaust on a vacuum), and I have a sneaking suspicion she's practicing to be a model in those ads with the beach scenes and the windblown hair.

So, we make our way to baggage claim.

(Tangent)
Is anyone else amazed at how much crap you have to lug around when you have a kid? I can't believe how one tiny little person requires twice as much stuff as my wife and I used to pack ... combined.
(End Tangent)

I stand there scanning each bag that comes along, looking for anything familiar, while my wife follows "Miss Social Butterfly" around as she greets all the other travelers. The carousel goes around a bunch of times, and I manage to find one of our bags.

Then, it shuts down.

I get a little nervous, but I figure I should stick it out a little longer. A few minutes later, the thing starts up again, and continues pumping out luggage. I manage to find the rest of our stuff, but our last item (the car seat) is still missing.

Then, it shuts down again. And doesn't start back up.

Now, to understand how truly horrifying this is, the airport is a good two hours away from my wife's parent's house. We have to somehow get a 1 1/2 year old 2 hours down the highway so we can sleep and get up the next morning to drive the rest of the way back.

I went over to the baggage claim problem area, fully expecting them to give me the cold shoulder that would end with us trying to find a way to sleep in the airport.

Thankfully, the lady was extremely helpful, and we even got a car seat on loan so we could make the trip back.

In the days that followed, we have gotten no less than 10 calls from various people with the airline or the airport, asking to confirm our address.

I guess I should be grateful that they are thorough, if nothing else.

Stoked doesn't even come close to how I feel ...

So, evidently, someone is actually reading this besides my wife. Needless to say, I'm shocked.

Especially when it's someone unendingly cool like Holly. Her blog is all sass, sarcasm and full of wit. And yet, she thought to give me the Lemonade Award.



This award has some rules, which I will promptly fail.

1. Thank the person who was so thoughtful for giving you this award by linking their blog to this post. (Thanks Holly!)
2. Put the logo on your blog or post. (See column to the right)
3. Nominate 10 blogs which show great attitude/gratitude. (FAIL: I've discovered I have no friends. I suppose this should be my motivation to get some. Anyone?)
4. Link your nominee to your post. (FAIL)
5. Comment them to tell them about the award they've won. (FAIL)

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Write in Gothic Calligraphy

There really is a hobby for everyone.

Mail Merge = FAIL

Here's a little gem from my Wall of Shame.

I've never claimed to be technologically literate. Computers and I just don't speak the same language. It baffles me that some process worked 99 times before suddenly won't work anymore.

The same is true with mail merge.

(Tangent)
Microsoft did something kind of nifty where you can take a Word document and write an e-mail in it, then use mail merge to pull e-mail addresses and names from an Excel spreadsheet and send the whole shibang to your contacts through Outlook. Genius, right?
(End Tangent)

It should be fool proof ... but it's not.

So, I was doing this mail merge thingy for the first time, and I was a little nervous because it was going out to a bunch of important editors. I walked myself through the steps and tried to make sure everything was in order, and then hit "send." E-mails started flying through my outbox, and it was really cool until I started noticing that none of them had the editor's name at the beginning of the e-mail. I started panicking, wondering what I had done wrong and why some egghead hadn't invented time travel yet.

Here's kind of what the e-mail looked like:

Hi [Editor],

Blah, blah, blah ... blah, blah, blah.

Yadda, yadda, yadda ... yadda, yadda, yadda.

Thanks,
Nathan

While the room was still spinning, I started getting responses back, and it looked like no one had noticed the glaring mistake.

I thought I'd dodged a bullet ... then, I got this winner (thankfully, he had a sense of humor):

Your e-mail merge didn't quite take, did it?

Best,
[Editor]

6 minutes of your life you'll never get back

I actually thought this was pretty funny. It has more than 100 million views on YouTube, so chances are you've probably already seen it.

The Evolution of Dance:

To all my cold coworkers ...

Just remember that our office is all the way up to 72 degrees, and you people are still cold.

Best Star Wars Synopsis Ever

Someone needs to pay this girl to recap movies on a regular basis.

Sad News

We had a round of layoffs today.

Not a fun experience.

It's even worse for the ones affected.

I'm back, but I'm brain dead.

So, I'm back from my time off, but my brain is doing this:



Please allow me to reboot, and I'll hopefully be back tomorrow.

How To Article of the Week

For those of you who hate folding laundry: How to Fold a T-Shirt in Two Seconds

Resolutions?

I like to think I'm a goal-oriented person. I like the feeling of accomplishment I get after I can cross something off my list. Why, then, is it so hard for me to get into New Year's resolutions? I've tried a few times, but they always fizzle about 3 seconds after I make them, and I never even think about them again.

It would be awesome if I could make resolutions like this, but it would be a lesson in futility:

1. I resolve to end world hunger.
2. I resolve to prevent any more snow from touching my driveway. From now on it will only fall on the lawn.
3. I resolve to become independently wealthy overnight.

Yeah, not going to happen.

Happy New Year ... ABBA style!