How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Make Sunscreen

Any project that involves putting on a pair of gloves and a face mask is probably not the best idea for me to try out.

Senseless to you, but sacred to me

Last week, Holly, who has this amazing ability to balance witty humor with thoughtful insight, saw this article and wrote her thoughts about her own sacred places.

(Shamelessly stealing her description of the article)

The article, which you really should read even though I know you probably won't, is about how we all have these specific sacred places that are related to a life-changing memory.

She shared some of her own personal sacred places, and I was so moved, I thought I would share some of mine.

1. The huge tree in my backyard when I was young that had a perfectly shaped branch for sitting and thinking up near the top.
2. My upstairs childhood bedroom where I spent a night on my knees, talking with my Maker.
3. A little house in Atikokan, Ontario where I struggled to figure out how to get some of the most bitter members of the LDS church I'd ever met to cooperate. This was also the house where I felt like the words of my prayers were not only heard but listened to with perfect attention.
4. The picnic table where I first told my future wife I loved her.
5. The hospital room where I saw my baby for the first time.

"... Cry Baby ..."

This video had me in stitches, mainly because I sometimes wish I could do this to someone else.

Read this now ... No, seriously. NOW.

Katelin over at Blah Blah Blog posted this, and I was literally compelled to steal it and post it over here.

I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Read through the entire thread, but don't scroll too fast or you'll see the pictures early and ruin the surprise.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me.

It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.


SHANNON: This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white about 8 months old. Missing on Harper Street and my phone number.

Thanks, Shan.

DAVID: Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David

SHANNON: yeah ok thanks. I know you don't like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.


DAVID: Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David


SHANNON: Yeah that's not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

DAVID: Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David

SHANNON: That's just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks

DAVID: Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David


SHANNON: This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

DAVID: Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


SHANNON: yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

DAVID: Subject: Awww
Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but then he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David


SHANNON: Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

DAVID: I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen you orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
Regards, David

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


SHANNON: I didn't say there was a reward. I don't have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

DAVID: Subject Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


SHANNON: Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

DAVID: Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


SHANNON: Fine. That will have to do.

"Rebecca has some fat thumbs."

This is a video of the Harvard Sailing Team doing an encore of Boys Will Be Girls. Just like the first one, there are so many lines that crack me up.



Thanks for letting me mooch off you, Mindi.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Juggle Three Balls

I've always wanted to know how to do this. They make it look so easy, and yet when I try, they always go flying in all directions.



P.S. Happy Pioneer Day to all you Utahns!

I think I'm a fan

This is the music video for Brandon Flowers' new single. He's the lead singer of The Killers, and I must admit I may have watched this a few times, trying to get the song stuck in my head.

My 15 Minutes of Fame

I just read about dentists, singing geriatrics, brownies that are hard enough to chip teeth, music from the 50s, clean dishes and dirty laundry on Carrot Jello's blog ... all in one post. It gave me a flashback that I thought I'd share:

Once when I was in middle school, I donated $5 to the local classical station. They were having their donation marathon, and I had it set as the station for my alarm (don't judge).

A few days after I sent in the donation, I woke up to hear them talking about me on the radio, essentially saying that if some 12-year-old boy could donate $5 then surely "you" could find some money to contribute.

And that's how I wasted my 15 minutes of fame.

My Sister-in-Law is a Saint

Last night (or more accurately, early this morning), my sister-in-law arrived in Utah with her four kids for a visit while her husband is in training for a new position in the federal government. She is going to spend the week in a condo my parents own.

Because she was traveling without a spouse, I wanted to make sure to be there to help her unload. After she got there, I saw something seemingly insignificant that (to me) shows what an amazing person she is.

To give you a complete picture, she wasn't able to get on the road until 5 p.m. and due to delays, wasn't able to get into Utah until 5 a.m. Two of her kids have social disorders (one has Autism and the other has Asperger's), and then she has a set of twins ... all under the age of 5.

After helping her get all the bags inside, she had one sleeping baby left. I came up the stairs behind her while she cradled her little girl in her arms. When she got to the front doorway, she paused to wipe her feet.

Normally, this wouldn't have made me look twice, but knowing the exhaustion she must feel and and the lack of rest she is going to get today, I was impressed.

She is truly one of the sweetest people I know, and it shows in how considerate she is of using my parents' home away from home.

Oh yeah? Well, I work in a cubicle and type on a computer.

That is the only thing I'd be able to come back with if I ever met this guy (Diego Stocco). I can't even imagine how cool it would be to have his job.

I guess he is a sound engineer who works on music scores for movies and video games, but he specializes in finding music where people don't traditionally look. He also creates his own instruments.

Most of his videos are kind of wacky, and it's hard to see what he's doing, but these two blew my socks off.

This is him playing one of his manufactured instruments (bassoforte):



This is him playing a tree (Yep, you read correctly. A tree.):



And in case you want another one, here he is playing a Bonsai. The best is when he starts flicking one of the leaves:

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Turn Your Jeans Into Earth Friendly Slippers

Don't get me wrong. I love to recycle, but the term "earth friendly" (when attached to jean slippers) made me gag a little.

... And I got what was coming to me.

Even before Shawn got back into the office, one of my coworkers decided to get me back.

Well played, mystery co-worker. Well played.

I'm asking for it.

This guy I supervise at work went on vacation all last week. By now, if someone goes on vacation for an extended period of time they know there is a certain risk.

If I'm not swamped, part of my brain automatically starts thinking about what I can do to their desk. For me, teasing is a Pavlovian response.

This guy is amazingly fast at all his projects. Every time I give him something to do, I have learned it will take about 2 hours less than if someone else did it.

That may or may not have influenced what I ended up doing.

It's nothing big, but here is the finished product:

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Escape from Killer Bees

By the time I was 11, I had been stung 6 times.

Needless to say, I hate bees.

Is it bad that I identify with this statement?

"I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order … as they should be."

Tetris Funnies

Over the weekend, Super Happy Girl posted another of her famous Silly Saturdays.

In the midst of all the hilarity was this Tetris cartoon:


When I pointed it out to my coworkers, one of them showed me this one:


Just thinking about how to get a full row to line up on this makes me cringe.

It's too stressful and I have to avert my eyes.

Dryer Sheets: The New Toilet Paper

(Tangent)
I just read the title of this post again, and it has an entirely different (and somewhat disgusting) connotation than what I intended. For the sake of freaking out my minuscule readership, however, I'm going to leave it as is. You're welcome.)
(End Tangent)

It is now 11 a.m.

I've been sitting at my desk for several hours, and I just looked down to find one of these laying on the floor by my left foot.


Realizing I've been walking around with one of these shoved up my pant leg all morning is similar to finding out I have a strip of toilet paper stuck to my shoe or a giant piece of lettuce in my teeth.

Klassy with a K.

How To Article of the Week

This week: How to Clean Crayon out of a Dryer

Honestly, this has never happened to me, and I hope it never does.

Like Nails on a Chalkboard

I'm not a mean guy. I may be a little on the spastic side, but I like to think I don't get terribly angry all the time.

However, there is a short list of songs that have amazing powers. Hearing a few bars of them causes such a violent reaction in me, that I have to restrain myself from punching a hole in the wall (or breaking my fist while attempting to do so).

There used to be two, but recently, a third has made it to the list:

1. "Fly" by Sugar Ray
2. "Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney
3. ***New Addition*** "Ridin' Solo" by Jason Derule

I know many may disagree with me, but these are so epically bad, that I have to leave the room when they are on, or I risk getting a second view of my lunch.