First Kiss

When I was a younger, I had this romantic notion that I would wait to kiss a girl until I knew she was the one I wanted to marry. I know, I know ... lame. I didn't go all crazy and limit myself to kissing her on our wedding day, but for many people, I'm sure this is crazy enough. Well, the romanticism of this idea COMPLETELY backfired.

(Tangent)
You know those newlywed games that ask couples questions about each other? One question my wife and I heard once was, "In one word, how would you describe your first kiss?" My wife and I immediately turned to each other and simultaneously said, "Awkward!"
(End Tangent)

It was Valentine's Day. We had gone to the speed skating rink that was built during the Olympics in Salt Lake City. My girlfriend (now my wife) didn't really know how to skate, so I'm sure this wasn't the best outing for her. Still, I enjoyed it because she had to cling to me the whole time to keep from falling. At the end of the evening, I walked her to her door, and knew I needed to take the plunge. Thanks to my years of kissing virginity, I felt like a member of the high school chess club with D&D dice in my pocket trying to hit on the head cheerleader.

I don't know what I looked like, but I'm sure the shot of my face would have won me a boat load of money on America's Funniest Home Videos. Not knowing how to make my move, I asked if I could kiss her. That's right. I asked her. Does it get any more lame than that? After a mumbled "Ok," I went for it.

And, the deed was done. I don't know if she knew about my policy, but I knew she was the one for me. Thankfully, she forgave me for that hideous lip lock. And I suppose it is a minor consolation prize that I can say I've never kissed another girl (other than my mother).

Vacations

So, you might not know it, but I've been gone for a week on vacation. To help keep the momentum, I was a writing fiend, and scheduled a bunch of posts while I was gone. What I didn't count on was the funk after getting back. I don't know what to write. Mostly, I'm just nervous about the pile of emails I'll have waiting for me tomorrow at work. I'm anticipating a pretty rotten day tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.


So, not that you're interested, but we went to California. My daughter doesn't ever stop moving (even when she's asleep) so you can imagine how fun the car ride was there and back.

Still, we got some great family time together, and my coworkers were nice enough to cover for me, so I only got three phone calls with minor questions.

Hopefully, I'll get back in to the swing of things tomorrow and I'll have more random stories to post.

"How To" Article of the Week

Here's a fun one: How to Dilate or Shrink Your Pupils on Command.



When I saw this, I couldn't figure out why anyone would want to know how to do this. It reminded me of Dwight on The Office talking about his cholesterol.

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

That's how pointless I thought this was. However, I've apparently been missing out on a whole world of body language. I guess our pupils are supposed to say a bunch about how we feel about the person we're talking to.

Me? I've never noticed what someone's pupils have done during a conversation. Am I going to worry about it? Nope.

I think people would be completely creeped out by the fact that I'm staring intensely at their eyes to gauge the size of their pupils. That's just me ...

Chatty Cathy

I talk a lot. A LOT. (And you're probably thinking, "Thanks, Captain Obvious!")

One of my siblings' favorite stories to tell about my childhood is when we went to pick my brother up from college one summer. Being the youngest of 9 kids, my oldest brother was out of the house by the time I was born, and we scheduled a family trip to go get him from school. Having had no real quality one-on-one time with me in the past, he mistakenly took the seat next to me for the trip home. I can only assume he thought I would spend most of my time coloring or taking a nap.

What he didn't realize is that I had somehow developed the rare ability to intake air without having to stop the flow of words that spewed non-stop out of my mouth. For the next twelve hours, I chattered away at him. I don't remember what I said, and I don't remember anything out of the ordinary, but when we finally arrived and he stumbled out of the car, dazed and confused, my family realized what had happened.

They apologized for neglecting to tell him a sanity preservation measure they had learned. Evidently, I didn't care whether or not anyone engaged in the conversation with me. I seemed oblivious whether or not the person I was talking to inserted the right number of "ohs" and "ums" and "oks" in the right places. Consequently, my family discovered they could completely ignore me and even play music on their walkman without me noticing.

My Favorite Movie

Do you ever have people ask you what your favorite [insert random thing here]?

Usually, I'm baffled because it all depends on my mood, the person I'm talking to, and the phases of the moon, but I think I can safely say I have a favorite movie ... at least for the moment.

I think I like this one even better because no one I talk to has ever heard of it. It's called "Noises Off" and it's hilarious!

It was released in 1992, and has a great cast: Carol Burnett, Michael Caine, Christopher Reeve, John Ritter, Marilu Henner, Nicollette Sheridan, etc.

John Ritter has a mouth in this thing, so it may not be for the most sensitive of ears. The trailer looks like it's all slapstick, and while it is a large part of the show, there is a lot more to it.



Watch the movie. Now.

Flocked Pine Cone

Disclaimer: While I love this story, it's not one of the many embarrassing moments I typically share on this site. Have no fear. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories you can read later and laugh at my expense.

I have this flocked pine cone on my desk. I'm sure my coworkers wonder why I have a Christmas decoration that has obviously seen better days sitting in a prominent place next to my computer screen.

I've kept this thing through the years because I learned an important lesson back when I got it in kindergarten.

(Disclaimer: This is not the actual pine cone. I'm lazy and didn't bring the pine cone home from work to get a real picture)

Here's the story:

Before the Christmas break, my kindergarten teacher went on vacation. When she came back, she brought a bunch of pine cones she collected during her camping trip. She announced that she would like to give them to us one by one, and asked that we get in line.

Predictably, anytime there is free stuff, no matter how senseless, any group of kids quickly becomes a volatile mob. In a brief moment of clarity, I thought, "Nathan, you don't need to be first. How about you let the others get in line before you?"

As a result, I was literally the last student in line. When it was finally my turn, and everyone else was busy comparing the ones they got, trying to see whose was the biggest/best, my teacher reached into her bag and got a panicked look on her face. She realized she had accidentally miscounted and didn't have any left. She looked devastated, so I told her it was no big deal. It was a little sad for me because I really was looking forward to getting mine. After all, I was one of those kids who can so quickly turn into a mob. I went back to my seat, and didn't notice when my teacher slipped out of the room while her aides took over the lesson.

A few minutes later, she returned, and announced her mistake to the class. She then said the other kindergarten teacher in the school was handing out pine cones as well and happened to have one extra. She then presented me with my pine cone, but the other teacher had taken the time to flock hers so it looked like it had snow on it. All of the other kids noticed the difference and seemed a little disappointed that they had pushed ahead of me in line.

Oddly, this was a profound teaching moment for me. I learned that being nice is not a sign of weakness and that good things happen to those who are kind. As I've grown and watch people get ahead of the game through deceit and ruthless behavior, I've kept this little pine cone as a reminder that they will get their reward and I will get mine.

In the end, they may have a bigger car and a nicer house, but I'll be able to live with myself and will have a clear conscience. Sometimes the rewards won't look like they match, but not everything can be measured tangibly.

The Penalty Box

When kids misbehave, many parents have a time out corner, a time out chair or a time out rug.

We had "The Penalty Box."

If I was being a dork, my parents would put me in the penalty box until I could calm down and behave myself. Needless to say, I spent some real quality time in the penalty box.

I suppose the location could have changed, depending on where the offense occurred, but mine usually ended up at the top of the stairs leading down under the garage. There was a door at the top that my parents could shut so they wouldn't hear me protest how unfair it was that I had to sit there.

Here is the part where I wasn't the brightest crayon in the box (aside from getting put there in the first place). Under the garage, we had a room. This room contained toys, videos, the piano and the TV (although we didn't get any channels ... it was just for movies).

Did I ever think to take a little trip downstairs to play for a while? Nope. I just sat there kicking the door with my feet, yelling until I decided I wanted my freedom again.

If I don't like football, do I owe you a man card?

I don't like football, and believe me, I tried. It seems like it's a right of passage and should be on every adult male's agenda to watch at least one game per week.

But I don't like it. In fact, I don't like watching sports in general on TV. Being at a game is a different story, but watching on my couch has never held much appeal. As a result, I don't follow any teams and sound like an idiot when my friends talk about the finer points of a particular sport.

This wasn't a recent development either. When I was little, my dad would take me to baseball games because he had season tickets. I went for the food. It was almost a religious ritual. I started with a hot dog and a drink. That usually lasted 1 or 2 innings. Then I moved onto a bag of peanuts. Depending on how much I dragged this out, I could really make these last for a while. Then, I finished it all off with a frozen malt.

These seats were in the dugout, so in between stuffing my face, I annoyed the security at the entrance by pretending I had urgent business outside the dugout area. When they first let you in, they stamped your hand with a UV stamp. Then, you had to hold it up under a black light if you ever left the area. I probably made 20 trips out each game. By the end of the evening, the guard would just wave me through, but I insisted on showing him my stamp. It was SO cool to see it appear under the light.

The other indicator that I never liked sports was when I watched TV at home. My dad would come in and ask if he could just get the score. I would grudgingly hand him the remote, and half an hour later, he'd still be sitting there. It's mesmerizing for him, but I just couldn't get into it.

So, there you go. I have to give all of you a man card. My only consolation is that my wife loves my ambivalence of sports.

Daylight Savings

Does anyone still benefit from daylight savings? I've heard all kinds of rumors about farmers and general energy consumption savings, but I can't find any concrete findings. Of course ... I also haven't looked.

Do you ever get excited thinking about the extra hour of sleep you'll get and how much energy you'll have the next day?

Do you ever actually go to bed early enough to benefit from that extra hour?

I never do.

But I have plans for making it up. I'm not a huge New Year's Eve kind of person. I always end up falling asleep, and I've never been a fan of that song everyone sings at midnight. As a result, I plan on pulling one over on my kids when they're old enough to want to stay up but not old enough to do it without making my life miserable the next day.

My sister does this and it's brilliant. On New Year's Eve, she goes around and sets all the clocks forward a couple hours. Then we count down until midnight and all go to bed at 10:30 p.m. It's fantastic, and they never caught on.

Maybe I'm a horrible dad, but I like sleep.

"How To" Article of the Week

Wiki How has some pretty funny "How To" articles on their site. One I recently noticed was an article on:

How to Feign Interest when an Annoying Person Talks to You

My reason for posting this one in particular? I wanted you all to know that I'm onto you. The next time I start talking to you, I'll be watching for these signals. I also figure it might be nice to finally have a method for how to deal with me when I start sharing my lame stories.