Office Comebacks

My friend (and coworker) has a birthday this weekend, so I decided to give her an "Office Sanity Kit." I included ear plugs (because she is always distracted by the noises in the office), hand sanitizer (because she's a germiphobe), a "Do Not Disturb" sign (because she's stressed and needs to concentrate), a microwaveable heating pad (because she's always cold even though it's an oven in our office), and some comeback cards (to give out to anyone she finds annoying).

My favorite were the comeback cards. I found these phrases online and printed each one on it's own little piece of card stock:

• I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
• I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
• I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!?
• You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
• And your crybaby, whiney-butt opinion would be?
• Do I look like a people person?
• This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• You! Off my planet!
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Well, your day is a total waste of makeup.
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?
• How do I set a laser printer on “stun?”
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• Does everyone visualize duct tape over your mouth, or is it just me?
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
• Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

Happy birthday, "Gladys!"