Thursday, September 10, 2009

Cult Chronicles

As I mentioned, my sister used to be married to a guy whose mom joined a cult in Montana to protect the world from alien invasion by chanting.

For more crazy stories about this, go here, here, here or here.

And, here's another one:

One day, my sister got another surprise phone call from her mother-in-law (now ex-mother-in-law whom we'll call Betty).

At this point, my sister had learned what to expect from these calls. While on the phone, Betty meandered through several topics, but inevitably, she would throw in something about her experiences since becoming "enlightened" (translate: brainwashed). You could bet money that proselyting her group to my sister was the main motivation for the call in the first place.

This was Betty's latest inspiring tale:

Betty went to a reflexologist on a regular basis to help improve her health. This guy was also a member of her cult, so in Betty's mind, I'm sure this was a win-win.

During her appointment, the reflexologist was working on her feet when he suddenly pulled his hands away.

Wacky Reflexologist: Betty, I can't work on your feet today.

Betty: Really? Why?

Wacky Reflexologist: Well, you are so close to perfection, that if I worked on your feet, you would be translated. And your work here on earth is not yet done.

Obviously, this was a real feather in Betty's cap. She had been privately hoping to be called as the next prophetess for the group, and I'm sure she was thrilled at how this would affect her standing among the other members.

For my sister, it wasn't so much a feather in her cap as it was a moment of awkward silence where she tried to figure out how to respond.

Oh, and I'm betting Betty still got a bill for that appointment. I'm also betting she paid it ... happily.


Shorty said...

I'm caught up on the Chronicles, and I'm hooked. Please post more! This stuff is hilarious.

I actually know a goon who would most likely join this cult in Montana if he could afford to get there. (But right now he's saving so he can run away to China with his girlfriend, and I have no idea why she wants to go there being the dental hygienist that she is. And he has asthma... go figure why he wants to go to one of the unhealthiest countries on our planet.)

I don't see him often, but when I do he usually asks me if I've scouted out sites on the Web that detail confirmation of alien interaction with Earth. There's a big conspiracy, as I'm sure you already know, right?

JMadd said...

I think you're right about my chiropractor being a part of this lady's cult. He hasn't told me that I am too good to work on yet, but I think it's coming.

Carrie said...

Oh my heavens! That is hilarious. I'm curious though. How did your sister respond?

trublubyu said...

i really love cult chronicles! and i think that is one smart reflexologist to have members of his cult come to his place of business. $ for nothing!


Nathan said...

My sister is nicer than I am, so I'm betting she just made some non-committal murmurs of acknowledgement.

I would have probably accidentally blurted out something I would regret.

Loralee and the gang... said...

Isn't it fun to have relatives like her?