Friday, November 6, 2009

Office Outtakes

For those of you who missed the predecessor to Office Outtakes (Cult Chronicles) go here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

These stories are about a specific coworker I used to have. She was a sweet girl, but she ... (how do I put this?) ... didn't have a verbal filter. For other Office Outtakes, go here, here, here, here and here.

There are a bunch of smaller faux-pas that I figured I would combine into one list. All of these are courtesy of one of my coworkers (we'll call her Amellyah).

What not to do in an office environment:

  1. Don't ask if a gay guy has a girlfriend just so you can get him to tell you he's gay.
  2. Don't talk about the dog diapers you have to make out of Depends so he/she doesn't have to try to hold it until you get home.
  3. Don't stream TV shows when you're supposed to be working, especially when it brings the network to a crawl.
  4. After watching TV shows all day, don't complain about how busy you are.
  5. Your endometriosis is not a topic for general small talk.
  6. Your constipation is also not a topic for general small talk.
  7. Personal visions of your future husband should be exactly that ... personal.
  8. Don't tell the only Catholic in the office that you found out her religious affiliation and that you won't be offended if she asks about yours.
  9. If you have to stretch (at your desk or anywhere else in the office), don't become your own narrator by saying "Stretch!" every time.
  10. Don't assume a female coworker is your age when she has a birthday. She could easily be 10 years younger and a little disheartened when you ask if she's 35.
  11. Even if you know every famous person in Hollywood, don't one-up every story with some obscure reference about how you met a celebrity at a party or saw them in the McDonald's drive thru.
  12. If you have to clean your sinuses in the bathroom it might be best to try toning down the noise (unless you don't want anyone to eat their lunches). (I’ve had to do this, and I know for a fact it’s possible to do it without sounding like you have a loogie fit for the Guinness Book of World Records.)
  13. Don't expect the office to foot the bill for your tampons.


Shorty said...

Aren't coworkers a complete joy? My personal favorite is hearing a man talk about his chronic respiratory infections. My mental response was always, 'Wait, aren't you a smoker?' Go figure, dude. Or the guy (which is actually the same guy I just referenced) who complains how much he hates his job. Seriously man, you don't work for a Communist government. Go elsewhere.

trublubyu said...


btw- how are your sinuses post-surgery? improvement?

Nathan said...

I can breathe like I never have before. It's AMAZING. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm breathing through my nose, and it's shocking when I notice and don't feel light headed from lack of oxygen.

JMadd said...

OMG! I know who this is now! The show was 24, right? I also heard that she would just start crying for now reason.