For those of you who missed the predecessor to Office Outtakes (Cult Chronicles) go here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
These stories are about a specific coworker I used to have. She was a sweet girl, but she ... (how do I put this?) ... didn't have a verbal filter. For other Office Outtakes, go here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
This is the final story (unfortunately):
My coworker, we'll call her Serendipity (Dipity for short), had this habit of doing a series of stretches throughout the day. Typically, she would stand up at her desk and go at it, verbalizing what she was doing the entire time.
This occurred roughly every two hours (about halfway in between her candy offering ritual). You could set your watch by it.
However, sometimes she would develop a sudden case of modesty and retreat to the kitchen area for her calisthenics.
It was during one of these moments that my other coworker, we'll call him Brian, wandered into the kitchen to get some water.
There is one thing you need to know about Brian. He is ultra conservative. ULTRA. CONSERVATIVE.
For example, he was on location with a female executive from one of our clients, and he refused to take a cab with her because he would be alone in a car with a woman who wasn't his wife.
... Last I checked, cabs don't run on autopilot. Technically, your cab driver is a built-in chaperon.
But this gives a little insight into how horrifying the next part of the story is for Brian in particular.
Dipity was still new at this point, and Brian wanted to help her feel welcome. Here's how the exchange went:
Brian: It's probably hard getting used to sitting in a desk all day, huh? (referring to the all the noisy stretching)
Dipity: Oh ... no ... I just have big boobs.
Brian: (moonwalking back out of the kitchen) ... uh ...
Later, Brian told me about her comment and said, "What do you say to that?!? There is no safe ground for a guy in the workplace."
And he's right.
"Oh, now that you mention it, you're right. You definitely do."
"Nah, they're actually pretty small compared to others I've seen."
Not a chance.
"Yeah, I figured that was the problem."